Pro-Logged

Two millennia of history,

is still a mystery.

Time to set the record straight.

Start the devout debate.

The Good Book, an epic failure.

It’s got too much dull scripture.

A parable allegory,

or a pair of bullshit stories?

Genesis,

starts the ridiculous,

hypothesis.

Many lies, hard to miss.

Old Testament.  New Testament.

Here’s a polarizing statement.

Anyone who believes the Bible,

is clearly certifiable.

A Damn Eve

Collecting dust.

Breathing life.

God created man.

Ain’t that nice?

It took nearly a week,

to achieve this feat.

His holiness,

must have fallen asleep.

The world’s first human,

quickly put to work,

as a lame gardener.

God’s a real jerk!

A curious adolescent,

slaving away with rake and trowel.

Having plenty of free time,

Adam names all foliage and fowl.

Many are tried,

yet one fruit remains.

A tempting gem,

from which he must abstain.

Farming is dull,

for a lonely boy.

Thus, God provides,

a convenient new toy.

A sister is born,

from his own rib bone.

Similar in features.

Essentially a clone.

Eventually,

the female gets a name.

She’s dubbed simply Eve,

a moniker quite lame.

After grabbing an apple,

from the Tree of Knowledge,

Adam and Eve get distracted,

like a pair of kids in college.

Their vile sins exposed,

the couple gets cheeky.

Opportunity presented,

the serpent is sneaky.

Devilish needs.

Lude acts.

Devilish deeds.

Lack of tact.

The duo don fig frond outfits,

ashamed of their nakedness.

Defiance of God is complete,

via sweet fruity excess.

No existing tree,

evolutionary or otherwise.

Can absolve these sins.

despite leafy disguise.

Flaming sword.

Angels galore.

Frisky fun times.

Never more.

Punishment is swift,

on the deplorables.

For their transgressions,

the pair are now mortal.

Henceforth, the sinner young Eve,

and all women, will deliver.

Adam, and any future men,

must be farming believers.

The first family.

So begins domestication.

An alluring trend,

proliferating procreation.

Cain Ain’t Able

Adam and Eve,

quickly conceive,

a pair of sons.

The original sin,

done again and again,

knowing is a sexy pun.

The first boy is called Cain,

an honorable name,

the second lad’s just Able.

The former works the fields,

facilitating meals,

while younger runs the stable.

Anxious to prove their worth,

each presents gifts from the earth,

to their honored savior.

A glutton for fresh mutton,

God chooses carnivore over vegetarian.

Relative to plants, animals are clearly favored.

The elder son upstaged,

in a fit of jealous rage,

Cain kills his brother Able.

Blood shed with nary a wince,

society’s first evidence,

that vegans are unstable.

Alone and exiled,

to a vagrant lifestyle,

Cain is a marked man.

Regretting decisions,

former sibling stricken,

he wanders across the land.

Rejected and shunned by God,

banished to the region of Nod,

a name decidedly odd.

Starting a new life,

with an obliging wife,

Cain becomes a dad.

An interesting revelation,

with just four humans in creation,

this plot gaff is easy to pass off.

A miracle indeed,

despite a productive seed,

the family tree’s a bit off.

No Ark

The Epic of Gilgamesh.

The great flood of Babylon.

Historic torrents are common,

causing many a liquid mess.

This specific deluge,

in 5th century B.C.,

spanning the whole Black Sea,

is an epic purge.

The incident’s rendered,

with a simple wish,

by his holiness,

who’s clearly angered.

A few saviors are selected,

for their religious commitment,

along with utter atonement.

No engineering skills inspected.

Noah isn’t the only luck soul.

He brings his whole family into the fold.

A little slow, at 600 years old,

there are questions about mental control.

A modest boat is built,

eschewing all others.

Numerous left brothers,

many highly skilled.

If Noah’s so handy,

why didn’t he build a dam?

That seems like a better plan,

to save all humanity.

Over 300 cubits.

A normal man’s wing,

elbow to finger in length.

Incredibly odd units.

Regardless of size.

18 feet inside, maybe.

Not at all roomy.

It better not capsize.

Ordered to find pairs of animals.

At least the boat is sturdy,

floating, and fairly seaworthy.

Yet, the makeshift farm’s in shambles.

In the single, stinky ship,

Noah combines many mammals,

in close-quartered stables,

to promote mated courtship.

“Take two of every soul.”

A seemingly clear order.

Yet, 7 of some, and just 1 of others.

No Ideah isn’t an adding apostle.

The whole operation,

leaves some business questions?

And PETA patrons,

with a bad impression.

Also, where did all the fish go?

They clearly didn’t need a boat.

And dead, they definitely float.

Neptune lost control long ago.

Priorities are clear.

All animals of the land,

are subservient to man,

once the water disappears.

40 days and 40 nights.

Maybe longer.

Time lingers.

Choppy seas are no delight.

Waters recede.

Hull sturdy.

Hold stinky.

Journey complete.

In the mountains of Ararat,

Noah sends several birds.

Waiting for avian return,

at an elevated watch spot.

Who’s faster,

a craven raven,

or a loved dove,

back to their master?

So, you’re saying there’s a chance?

One stressful week later,

the pale feathered glider,

returns, holding an olive branch.

On dry land.

Time to rebuild,

this new world.

A peaceful plan.

Tower Of Babbling

After the great flood,

times soon become good.

Noah’s descendants,

enjoy ascendence.

“Generations gaining.”

Showy church architecture.

Artsy worship specters.

Forced religious unity,

hasn’t fared well in history.

“Perpetual preaching.”

Built on confidence.

Crushed by arrogance.

Collapsing tall tower.

This blow can’t be lower.

“Enticing engineering.”

Hubris and incest,

both in excess.

The land of Shinar,

is full of sinners.

“Rapists are ravaging.”

Erected statue of the righteous,

with marble erection truly blessed.

This homage becomes the last awkward straw.

But, the girth is a real tourist draw.

“Phallic formal failing.”

This very proud monument,

soon becomes a detriment.

Cursed by his honored holiness,

citizens are rendered speechless.

“Sounds suddenly stopping.”

Life transgressions not pretty,

abound in this vagrant city.

Linguistics fall by the wayside,

cultured folks ain’t able to say “hi”.

“Literary loss looming.”

Language consternation,

in a land of confusion.

Shadows from the tall tower,

makes underlings cower.

“Ugly urban uprising.”

Babbling in Babylon.

A story that continues on.

Earthquake tower prevention,

is the modern solution.

“Sad saga segueing.”

S & M & D

Sodomize.

In disguise,

seeking out,

tender thighs.

Many apostles,

are imbeciles.

Sexual degenerates.

Impotent.

Church house.

Church mouse.

So deviant.

So devout.

Sunday school.

Tyrannic rule.

To doubt God,

is to be a fool.

Gomorrah.

Perversion?

Submission?

Submersion?

Proletariat.

Sketchy, but,

communal rule,

is quite a hit.

Polygamy,

comes naturally,

to a small swath,

of society.

One relation,

or damnation.

Another option?

Masturbation.

Vile.

Wicked.

Revile.

Addicted.

Sodom.

Yearning?

Fucking?

Burning?

Lot’s residence.

Lots of sex.

Angel’s vexed.

Daughters instead.

Prophet Abraham.

God’s hand.

Lightning bolt.

Vanquished land.

Plains of Jordan.

Hidden whore den.

Fire from heaven,

warning against sin.

Human sacrifice.

Literary device.

Make it rain,

once or twice.

Sulfur smell.

Going to Hell.

Turned to salt.

Not feeling well.

Waste land.

Waste of man.

Male machismo.

Hard to understand.

Black and white.

Black and tan.

Black and blue.

Reformed clan.

Can’t find Sodom,

in the Dead Sea.

Watery grave,

for eternity.

More Red Seas

Parting the Red Sea,

has a modern meaning.

A bloody river mess,

often demeaning.

Exodus.

Exit, yes.

Gaza, Egypt, and Israelites.

A local region of constant strife.

Sand, camels, and Moses.

A hell of a tough life.

Clashing clans.

Promised land.

A pillar of fire,

aids evening retreat.

A pillar of clouds,

halts utter defeat.

Golden gates.

Dire straits.

So deep and broad,

crossing this great sea,

full of outlaws,

is a rarity.

Freed slaves,

don’t behave.

Not a preferred passage.

Yet a wave of the hand,

paves the way for escape.

Changing ocean to land!

Lord helps.

Water melts.

Strong eastward winds,

all night long.

The resulting storm,

brings much sand along.

Visage.

Land bridge.

A smooth liquid transit,

is what the Bible states.

But, the real task entails,

wandering over some stalks.

Sea of reeds.

Full of weeds.

Despite rapidly rising water,

the Egyptian hordes follow,

anxious to track fleeing foes,

but their caravan wallows.

Chariot chase.

Stuck in place.

Pursuit is halted,

in the muddy muck.

Many soldiers drown.

A bout of bad luck.

600 strong.

All gone.

Israelites luckily escape,

through the neatly parted salty seas.

Moses gives his minions a break,

all their worries quickly appeased.

Hey There Delilah

A very hairy story,

about a miracle baby.

With a hairy ending,

as the plot turns gory.

Not exactly the Iliad.

Homer, the poet, would be sad.

Sampson’s a Nazarite nomad,

with a serious case of bed head.

Honoring the Philistine God, Yahweh.

Energy comes from keeping locks lengthy.

Maintain brute strength.  Never drink.

Avoid women.  Stay savvy.

Becoming an addicted gambler.

Always accepting abject danger.

Killing lions with crude bone weapons.

Making progressively bigger wagers.

Sampson’s travails,

include many tall tales.

As often happens.

Feminine downfall.

Revealing his hair’s magic allure,

because he mistakenly trusts her.

This Philistine wench, is no mensch.

Rather a keen manipulator.

Powers are doffed,

when the mane’s lopped off.

Deflated and defeated.

This proud lad should have just left.

Instead, eyes are gouged out,

leaving him down and out.

Sad Sammy ends up blind,

with nary an exit route.

An ode about day and night.

Competing darkness and light.

Much religious contention,

and lack of moral insight.

This apostle grinds grain in Gaza.

Slotted between the death of Joshua,

and Saul’s bold arrival,

in the epic Bible saga.

Goliath Who

A mano-a-mano contest,

to resolve a great conquest.

Young vs. old.

An epic rivalry, that’s etched in time.

An Israelite against a Philistine.

Religious vs. righteous.

Both summon their own idol.

But only one prayer is answered.

Pagan vs. pious.

A 9-foot-tall, hulking brute.

A scrawny, 50 kg youth.

Big vs. small.

Light clothing, weapons nowhere.

In full armor, with a spear.

Emotional vs. equipped.

Body robust and austere.

Body trembling with fear.

Burly vs. baby.

A sling, a sac, and five smooth stones,

against a great mass of wood and bones.

Weak vs. strong.

The huge man rushes forward.

The scared boy shrieks, a coward.

Veteran vs. novice.

The first well-placed shot,

hits a sizable gut.

Fast vs. slow.

Sluggish and plodding.

Nimble and prodding.

Strength vs. stealth.

A tactile dance on the soft sand.

Actions quickly get out of hand.

Smart vs. dumb.

The firm fighter falls stone dead.

His feeble foe is elated.

Favorite vs. underdog.

The grunt fells the giant,

then cuts his head off with?

Tricks vs. tools.

A piece of string?

A metal ring?

Sawing vs. hacking.

Saul’s Court’s best export,

meets a quick retort.

Perception vs. reality.

The legend grows greater,

with each new orator.

Fact vs. fiction.

In time, the victor’s greatness,

has grown to overt excess.

Instant vs. lasting.

A fair combatant, surely.

A legacy story, maybe?

David vs. Goliath.

Wailing Jonah

A story of true biblical satire,

told by a pathological liar.

Allegory versus fact,

the scales are decidedly stacked.

Johan and the whale,

is quite a tall tale.

Whoever penned this hogwash,

must have been sadly brainwashed.

It starts simple enough,

like such preaching often does.

Jonah’s sent to Nineveh,

by local God Yauveh.

Acting as a religious prophet,

asking stubborn folks to repent.

A thankless task,

which doesn’t last.

Upset with the preeminent Lord, again.

Fleeing across the Mediterranean.

Boarding a ship in Jaffa,

run by Phoenician jokers.

A distant destination,

way across the vast ocean.

The heavens become forlorn,

portending a violent storm.

Three sheets to the wind,

a dark curtain closes in.

Canvas torn and holey,

pants missing the whole knee.

The ravaged ship is a wreck,

yet Johnny remains below deck,

embracing the higher congress.

Specifically, his Holiness.

Capsizing.

Just surviving.

Troubled times.

Lots of lies.

Drawing straws.

Epic loss.

Thrown overboard,

then ignored.

Floating adrift,

after the tiff.

Surging seas.

Urgent pleas.

Swallowed by an aquatic creature,

with so many unique features.

Normal whale or huge fish?

Mammal traits hard to dismiss.

In the belly,

it’s quite smelly.

Constantly stressful.

Not at all restful.

Relentless pacing and singing,

echoey stomach walls ringing.

Three nights in an intestinal slurry.

Departure from here can’t come too early.

Many lonely days alone,

in a jail of fish and bone,

is a stern tally.

But, for what folly?

Ready to escape,

from this acidic place.

Calling to his master,

prayers are somehow answered.

Puked onto the dry land,

for reasons unexplained.

Life is saved.

Time to behave.

Harsh sun.

No fun.

Shady plant.

A place to camp.

Stranded all alone,

seeking salvation.

Prophecies preposterous,

some amusingly salacious.

Starting a blazing fire,

or a funeral pyre?

Sitting in ashes.

Penitence chances?

Jonah’s life has many transgressions.

Several times, he’s been taught a lesson,

by his supreme God,

messages oft forgot.

During their lame leader’s absence,

Nineveh citizens repent.

The town is fortunately saved,

despite a prophet far from brave.

Liar’s Den

Another sage, from a newer age.

Unlike Noah and Job, Daniel’s a noob.

His own fictional book, deserves another look.

Added to the Bible, four centuries later.

While numbers few, 6th BC Jews,

are on a mission, despite attrition.

Exiled to Babylon, which seems to happen often.

In this locale, Nebuchadnezzar, is the ruling Czar.

Numerous weird dreams, inciting nocturnal screams.

Daniel quickly interprets, this leader’s secrets.

“Menltekel Upharse.”  What’s this cryptic verse?

A Persian overthrow, for those in the know.

A force of habit, honoring God, but,

praying one day, Daniel’s deemed to disobey.

A foolish legal deal.  A judgment hard to repeal.

Thrown in the lion’s den, to soon meet a bitter end.

Octogenarian, no fat and wrinkled skin.

Not much of a meal, lacking hungry lion appeal.

A trip to the local zoo.  Who knew?

These big cats are calm, soothed by psalms. 

Ruling King Darious, a man truly righteous,

checks on his prisoner, who couldn’t be better.

Everyone in the cage behaves; he awakens unscathed.

His Lord’s ultimate judgment?  Danny Boy’s innocent!

Passing through the gauntlet.  No feline onslaught.

This apostle’s survival, is admirable.

Daniel’s tutelage.  “God is my judge!”

True words spoken, oaths never broken.

Cre-Nativity

Onward to the New Testament.

Another Bible embarrassment!

A Christmas tradition,

with a few omissions?

The birth of Jesus.

An important impetus.

The Holy Ghost visits. . .

Suddenly, Mary’s pregnant!

Praise be the Angel Gabriel.

A fortuitous baby, well?

Husband’s skeptical,

about the miracle.

Mary and Joseph.

No one knows if?

Procreation,

or masturbation,

led to this magic pregnancy.

Welcome the divine entity.

Seven difficult months of gestation,

without a matrimony decision.

A bulging virgin mom;

who carries the son of God.

The displacement to Bethlehem,

turns out to be a real scam.

The poor parents,

summoned by tariffs,

from a Roman king,

always enforcing.

Caesar Augustus,

loves his taxes.

The mother’s ride is bumpy,

atop a lame donkey.

Finally in town,

the birth goes down!

The baby’s given name is Yehoshua;

a moniker which most don’t know of.

Additional trouble begins,

with lack of room at the inn. . .

The only space available,

is inside the smelly stable?

Parents call a hurried audible,

to use a traditional swaddle.

Close family around,

the babe is laid down,

in a simple manger.

An act witnessed by strangers,

who came over the hill,

of their own free will.

Christ the Lord,

reborn and adored.

Angels hover in the air!

Celebration everywhere!

Marvel spreads far and wide,

by travelers with pride.

Lovely nativity theme.

A central Christmas scene.

Missed in the Holy Bible;

covered by many novels.

While a few subtle clues remain,

actual facts are hard to obtain.

No lambing in the winter?

Joseph’s a deep thinker.

The Nazareth timeline . . .

A virgin in the limelight.

The signs are there,

for those who care.

Random December 25th date;

an amalgam up for debate.

Occurring in 4 B.C.,

rather than 0 A.C..

The entire holiday story,

is a contrived allegory!

Lazur’s Are Us

Old Lazarus, falls off the bus.

A few days later, he bites the dust.

As the older brother, of Mary and Martha,

he’s magically revived, by a significant other.

At this tale’s center, gospel of John the liar,

who deftly depicts, many a humdinger.

Quick to immerse, Chapter 11 is terse,

encompassing, just the first 40 verses.

Jesus presiding, at a Cana wedding.

Turning water to wine, is exhilarating.

Disciples debate, the Incarnate waits.

Two long days pass, slow to deliberate.

Not to be redundant, but imbeciles are abundant.

Too much preaching, often embarrassing the covenant.

Truth is revealed, by observing what’s real.

Eyes can’t deceive, forcing folks to believe all.

An epic rebirth, lost soul rising from earth.

A divine feat, which is truly absurd.

Mary Magdalen, once a virgin,

summons her deceased son, long since gone.

Very unhealthy, her brother in Bethany,

is knocking on death’s door, about to pass away.

Heading to Judea; risky for Jews in the area.

Traveling with the aid of light, because darkness is scary.

Tomb is in a cave, very macabre.

Stone door rolls open, revealing the grave.

Approaching a week not alive, the vile stench cuts like a knife.

Darkness emanates from within, interior space devoid of life.

At the crypt, Jesus weeps,

while family stands, agape.

Funeral pyre, build it higher.

Charred passing, about to perspire.

Appealing to the one true God, with a divine nod.

Using his powers, to execute an act quite odd.

Out walks Lazarus, outfit looking rough.

Jesus saves, displaying impressive stuff.

Is Laz a poor beggar, or a rich entrepreneur?

The answer depends, on one’s preferred gospel scripture.

Demonstrating resurrection, before crucifixion.

Jesus’s execution, is a subtle premonition.

Cruci-Fiction

Thick metal nails.

Sturdy wood beams.

A house project,

or, so it seems.

This carpenter,

meets his maker.

Up for lethal punishment?

A cohort of criminals.

The thin man in the middle,

has transgressions minimal.

Flanked by a pair of robbers,

who are both ugly, odd birds.

Jesus foretells,

of his demise.

To a pack of,

disciples wise.

Warnings ignored.

Safety abhorred.

Displacement is shady.

Off towards Jerusalem,

to fix the great city’s,

numerous sinning bums.

Betrayed by another,

during the Last Supper.

Messiah.

King of Jews.

A lone kiss.

Getting screwed.

Seals one’s fate.

Shallow grave.

Sorcery and exorcism.

Sacrifice a human body.

Faithful Sabbath work omission,

covers sins of humanity.

One mandated religious thought,

which costs civilization a lot.

Jewish law.

Sanhedrin.

Exposed acts,

forbidden.

Two trials.

Denials.

Gov. Pontius,

of Roman rule.

Verdict comes swift,

ruling quite cruel.

Harsh punishment.

Lack of judgment.

Legal conjecture,

followed by torture.

The progress to death,

could be much shorter.

Legs down, arms spread wide.

Huge hole, in the side.

Hung up, bleeding out.

Pointy crown of thorns.

Abuse doesn’t wane.

Looking so forlorn.

Passing much later.

Helped by his savior.

Rising from the grave,

Three full days further.

Firm middle finger,

to all the haters.

Ascends to heaven.

Zero fucks given.